just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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