Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Houston, we have a squirter
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
