We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
