Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
