Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
