my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
