my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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