Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
