Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
