now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
