you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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