My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
