Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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