GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
