oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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