Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
