1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
40s are totally the cure
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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