Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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