Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
