I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
