They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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