I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
