I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
i've created a new STD.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
