A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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