please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
