I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Soap is not a condiment
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
