she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
