dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
