She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It's never too late to be topless.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Randomize
