Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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