I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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