Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
