I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
