i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
