I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
