why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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