uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
