I could have mohawked her pubes.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
