thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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