I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
