im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
