ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I need to align my fucking chakras
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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