If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It's blow job season.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
