if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
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