I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I think I sprained my soul last night
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
