Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
