Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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