even my farts smell like vagina
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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