her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
