Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
