btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
