please come you make the beer taste better
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
